Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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