who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
