all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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