Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm just crazy horny about you
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
