Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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