Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
