The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
