He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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