In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Randomize
