no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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