new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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