I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Randomize
