I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
