Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
