dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
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