weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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