I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
