In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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