My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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