Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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