Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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