everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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