the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
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APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
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I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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