where am i from again
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
