i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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