Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
