Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
