literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
