I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I want a musical about memes.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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