I wish I only lived at night.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
time to smoke my breakfast
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
