did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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