some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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