the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
