Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Every concussion has its silver lining
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
