imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
