I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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