Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
