I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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