I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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