the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
