i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
