a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
