Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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