I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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