We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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