i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
