god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Randomize
