i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
