Swine flu is the new snow day.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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