when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
