stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
me + whiskey = a bad person
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
