I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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