Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
