i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Randomize
