He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I came so hard my ears popped.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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