Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My vagina is officially offended.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
